Shadow Parenting: Whose Story Are We Parenting From?

At a recent trivia night, a simple question sparked a bigger conversation: What do teachers find hardest about their job? Three teachers were in the room — including Stephanie Banks, Early Childhood and Primary School Teacher and founder of Isha Soul Seed Education — and all agreed on the same answer: parents. But the challenge, as Banks explains, isn’t actually parents or teachers. It’s the stories adults carry into their relationships with children.

This dynamic is what she calls shadow parenting — when adults respond not to the child in front of them, but to their own unresolved experiences, unmet needs or fears. These shadows are shaped by childhood conditioning, beliefs and past experiences, and they can quietly influence how adults react when emotions rise or behaviour becomes difficult.

Shadow parenting isn’t about shaming or blaming. Every adult brings their own story to parenthood, and those stories inevitably colour how they respond. The invitation is simply to notice when parenting stops being about the child’s needs and starts being about soothing something within the adult.

When shadows take over, it can inhibit a child’s own choices, interests and emotions. Their ways of learning then become shaped by what an adult fears or needs, creating a false sense of self, rather than giving them the freedom to discover who they are.

In learning environments, these patterns often show up as disengagement, hesitation or behaviour that reflects the adult’s internal story more than the child’s experience. When adults find peace with their own story — or develop strategies to support themselves when their shadows are activated — they become the anchor children need. From this steadier place, coregulation, listening and connection become easier, and the child’s needs return to the centre.

Banks emphasises that parents and educators need to be on the same team. When both can recognise their own shadows, they create more space to work together, strengthening the relationship between home and school.

She offers a daily reflection to help guide this awareness:

• Did I see my child or my fear?

• Did I hear their voice or my conditioning?

• Did I try to change them or understand them?

• Did I protect them or protect myself?

• What version of me showed up today?

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